mind fuck

we seem to use that word for each other a lot.

we had another row last night, admittedly it was instigated by me. why? well why else would someone want to leave a relationship? because im so unhappy and im so tired of hurting, trying to be understood and tired of trying to figure things out.

he would often throw things at me like.

1) im a five year old

2) i cant do anything for myself

3) that im driven by emotions

4) that i never stop complaining

5) that i can get away with saying whatever i like but he cant

6) that i can do whatever i want and get away with it but he cant

7) that i always do things for a reaction and said reaction was not one i wanted i try another tactic

ive tried to see where hes coming from and i suppose i can see why he would see things that way. but at the same time..

1) in the instances where i am allegedly acting like a five year old i am not reacting the way he would react. i am expected to react the way he wants like: not crying when hes done nothing but put me down for the last hour or when hes been swearing at me, calling me a whore when i am still trying to maintain a civilised argument and trying to reason the situation out. instead of meeting me half-way he would come up with shit that he knows would hurt me. having said that why wouldnt i break down and cry?

2) yes i do depend on a lot of people.. for a lift.. since i work night shifts and i dont have my license. i work and i have been with the company for almost 2 years now & i am good at my job. i dont need anyone to pay my bills, i dont need anyone to feed me. i dont need anyone to look after me when im sick. having someone who can do that for me would be great, but i dont need it and i dont think i will be happy for long if i depended on someone that much and i lost my sense of self.

3) i suppose in a lot of ways i am. both good and bad. but when, from experience i get nothing but abuse, and i have an intense feeling of being betrayed, yes i will become emotional. i see that as cause and effect. treat me right and i will have nothing to be emotional about.

4) fair enough… but stop giving me something to complain about.. why else would anyone complain?

5) again fair enough that he thinks that, but im not the one letting me get away with it. never once have i said im gonna say this and you cant say anything in retaliation. so why should i take responsibility and be held liable for something that is not under my control. if he has such a big issue about whatever ive said then bring up and we can talk things through.

6) again.. have a problem tell me.. dont throw that in my face when it was not my choice to let it go and take it. i dont expect you to take it and furthermore its what people in a relationship do. they talk about what makes them happy or unhappy and try to resolve the issue.

7) no. i just have a problem with indecision. i struggle with what is best for me, what i need to do for me to make me happy and what my conscience can or cannot handle. i have big 'regret' issues. its one of my biggest fears, to make a decision that i will regret for the rest of my life, something i will always have trouble living with. so i try and minimise the odds of that happening.

i came clean with the girls at work and my managers and told them that i may be transferring to another shop and will be moving to another suburb. the girls and i sat back after work and started to talk about things. it was overwhelming to know that i am cared for. i know that my going wouldnt really affect things at work but to know that they would rather see me move on and start fresh than stay where i am unhappy.. well.

trish, one of the older ladies i used to work with was at the shop last night. we had a quick chat on my break after she finished shopping. she said.. look after number 1, be strong and be happy with your own company. do what makes you happy.

its funny though.. i remember giving bec advise too, but its always easier to give advice to someone else than to take advice from someone, because yes, theres always that internal struggle between the voice of reason and your emotionally based wants and needs. reason doesnt always prevail.

maybe its the mars and venus thing.. come to think of it, it probably is (on hindsight, i really should have finished that book) . we work differently, have different priorities,have a different take on the one situation. most of the time it is just perception, but those perceptions are laced with experience too. what happened to make you who you are now.

you can either put on a smiling face in pretend things are fine while in the inside youre a volcano waiting to erupt; you can be actively angry and release that anger; you can be your own worst enemy and fall into depression. you can be any of those. i know ive been atleast one of each atleast once. but you dont grow, it like being in that same hole but instead of trying to climb out you start digging. its counter productive, self-defeating and it doesnt do anyone justice, it doesnt give anyone a chance to be better, to be in a better situation. instead you dig and make yourself a comfy well.

ive been in there since i was 16, im still there but im slowly trying to climb out. but trish is right. i have to do what makes me happy and i have to put myself first.

how do you -

try to explain things to someone when you know theyre not even going to try and extend themselves and attempt to understand the issue at hand?

how can you share your feelings when you know they dont care and wont even try to empathise, and that empathy is something theyre incapable of?

how can you reason when theyre not willing to listen?

i am hurting and i know its unsustainable.

i know i am spiralling into the abyss that is depression (yet again)

i cry myself to sleep every night, i cry the moment i awake, and i start throwing up.

i have anxiety attacks, find it hard to breathe and cry again (all day)

how can you reach out to the person you love when they dismiss your issues as insignificant?

how can you tell him that its a struggle to keep myself here everyday and fight to be alive for everyone but not for myself?

what can you say when he says "if youre physically thats about life or death and i have time for you, but if youre just upset or emotional i dont want to deal with it while im at work?"

can you ever really say that my being emotionally ill is worse than me being physically ill?

how can you make them understand that you need help and that theyre compounding the hurt when you know deep inside that you, yourself have put yourself in this position again?

how can i remain objective and fair when im faced with a revolving juggernaut?

enough to make rita proud

.. rita is my counsellor. ive been seeing her since oct 05.. kinda a neccesity really..

so here i am listening to ABBA Gold.. its an amazing pick me up!

after spending the whole morning in tears i got two fone calls.. the first from bec (a friend of mine from work) and then ma (aka rona – shes more than a friend really shes like another mother.. i seem to get adopted all the time ) but yeh.. it was good to let it out.. get advice and support from people who love me..

it woke me up a bit, gave me a bit of a wake up call and made me realise that im so much more. (after being slagged off continuously you kinda need a pick me up)

it made me feel so blessed to have the friends i do have.. no matter how long its been since ive been in circulation i know that it only takes an email or a txt.. i suppose you can say i collect people wherever i go.. from work or school or even rehab

Em from primary school and my first high school.

Golda, Amor & Mark (who got engaged a couple of months ago! finally!), Matt & Greg from my second high school.

Anna, Caz and Arthur from where i was working back in 2000

Dave, Lissa, Johnnie & Garland from my days as a blogger

Dan from rehab

Rona and Alan from Online

Now Bec, Dani, Lee and Michael, and most of the girls on Nightfill

Shez, Lil & Chris my girls

then theres my family….

no im extremely lucky to have the support group i have..

rita asked me to keep a journal and ask my friends to write something about me that they like.. im pretty needy but i just cant put myself out there.. but you know? i dont need them to write anything.. knowing that it just takes a fone call is enough

i am sad.. but i guess im tired of being unhappy and i know im the only one who can get myself out of this situation… so im digging deep..

Protected: Dear K,

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

to leave or not to leave

…. that seems to be the long standing question with K.

after 13 months of trying to deal with his anger and subsequent abuse i left and moved on. 2 months later he comes back out of the woodwork telling me how sorry he was and that hes normal now and wants to get married.

at the time i was already seeing someone and didnt want to have anything to do with K, but he persisted and so i relented,attaching provisos to my going back.
for a while there everything was bliss i honestly can say there was no happier chick this side of sydney.

2 months on and although hes still a bit better than he was before, hes slowly reverted back.

so here i sit weighing it all up in my mind. wether or not its because of extenuating circumstances at the moment or if its just plain complacency. and if it is because of whats going on at the moment, if that is any excuse for the way hes being. after all a promise is a promise and youre only as good as your word. even worse if youve got a proven track record for breaking that word in the past.

i know im not the easiest person to get on with, i am after all human, but i have been trying to deal with my issues, realising that yes i have a problem and that some of those problems are directly related to K and what has transpired in the past.

we argue incessantly over the finer points, getting side tracked by irrelevant issues that werent even originally on the table and i dont know how i can break out of the “one down” cycle.

i work as a casual and work to fulfill my needs. i have enough money to pay rent, pay bills and buy food. knowing that i suffer from depression, i dont do anything that i dont need to do eg: work a 40hr week and all that entails. he has a problem with this. ive never short chaged him, i pull my weight so why the emphasis on me making more money? why does he get so put out that i simply dont want to work 40hr weeks? ive never short changed him in fact when i do have spare i am the one buying him things when in our 16 months together hes only ever bought me one thing and that was he was trying to get back with me.

how can i argue the injustice of this? furthermore how can i point out that although i understand what hes going through and in my own way i am trying everything in my power to alleviate the stress, that i still consider his promises made when he was trying to get me back valid.

i hate feeling as if i am forever at a disadvantage. that i make consessions on my own and support him in my own way yet he is unable to see them, let alone acknowledge that i too am making an effort to make things work.

ive been warned that things will revert back to the old ways, by my family, friends and even his brother, but when i told him id give him a chance i really meant it.

even now that it feels like hes throwing away that chance and hes once again put me in a position where i have to work to get over him again when i was already there.

this is unsustainable and i have even more doubts about the merits of trying to continue on. but i am here nonetheless, even though my bags are ready and packed, im still here deliberating, trying to understand what exactly is going on.

i cant help but be angry about the situation because i was clear and free, but i was talked back into it and because i loved him i gave him a chance when now hes proving once again that hes not worth anything.

i am angry with myself for being weak, and him for, essentially lying to me.

after much deliberation

here i am…. again..

ive always maintained and i suspect will continue to in the coming years that i was never built to code (so thank god [pick one] for the brilliant people at wp!). so if i can find someone who can code my design i may one day have my own site again, until then this is my home..

there is too much to say so ill stop right here, get some shut eye and will have a big rant later