since my last entry (god knows when) ive been through another badly chosen relationship which include abuse of every kind (and here i thought K was bad.. but no.. apparently i could do worse). worked my up the ladder at work, fell back down again, saw a psych (that looked remarkably like Barbie), who referred me to clinical psych… so yeh.. a lot..

me being me.. im in another relationship.. i know what youre thinking.. ‘relationship junkie’. but i shit you not.. i dont go looking.. im just found and when i am i cant say no because, who knows? this one could very well be THE ONE.. and you know what? i’ll say it again as ive said it before.. W is the closest thing to THE ONE yet..

{ as shitty a time as i am having, just thinking, writing, voicing that out just made me smile }

a lot of what i believed in, mostly about people at work needs to be re-evaulated and thats putting it midly. as hardcore hardass as i seem on the outside, i really am just putty in the inside and when i give someone my trust and loyalty – i do give it wholeheartedly. just so happens that i give it too easily and without thought to myself.

maybe this is something i should change. i really should be more discerning.

to top it all off ive been offered a permanent part time position at work, where ive been a casual for the last 2 years..

now figure that shit out!!

its been about 3 days since i last had any solid sleep and im about to pass out.. right now i just cant deal..

sure im not the most reliable blogger out there and to be honest i usually only blog when i desperately need to get something off my chest..

its been over 2 months since i last saw K.. been good.. until i hear from him and find out about all the shit hes been doing and all the lies that eventually unravelled.. if anything thats whats been sending me mental.. i thought i did love him still, but no its not that anymore, it was more of a habit.. by way of human sacrifice lol nah im over that shit..

been spending a lot of my time with the boys, theyve been keeping me sane and i love em for it..

work’s been hectic.. fair been driving me mad actually.. ive gone from working every now and then to having shifts dumped in my lap.. monday 5am – (whenever my boss tells me to go home), tuesday, wednesday & friday 7-12, and saturday 3pm-12am.

with all the events going on in the last 2 months im running on fumes… add D on top of it all..

well…………..

what can i say about D?

totally unexpected… a shock and a half actually cos i finally got into the groove of hanging with the boys, partying on weekends, spending time with summer albeit sporadically and work.. and i was content being single, i was actually happy.. but now…

weve known each other for about 6-7 weeks and we finally met last monday which was great, then again this monday which was even greater and before i knew it here i am standing at the precipice.

how can i describe D.. hes the sweetest guy, the biggest smart arse, hes got this incredible sense of fun, hes always on the up, boys got rhythm, awesome kisser, hes more stylish than i am.. but fuck oath he makes me smile… whenever im havin a shitty time and i hear his voice i start to relax with his “hello”, he makes me feel safe if anything because i know he can handle himself in a situation..
and its all so scary..

i know deep inside that if i can learn how to let go of my fears and just let go we can really have something.. on the flip side im not the only one whos being very cautious..

so right now in my sane moment id like to relive some of my CHOICE moments..

4th of Sept: that first kiss, just to shut him up, that last parting comment of his “yeh that was good”.. classic D comment

11th of Sept: 2ish in the afternoon, after ive spent the last few hours almost dying at work, no sleep, lookin and feelin like shit, been raining all weekend and at most picture perfect moment EVER.. with our song (so sick) blazin in my ear, i glance to my left and behold, D walking towards me in his uniform, glasses on and the sun pretty much shining out of his arse.. god he looked hot.. i think about that moment whenever i need to smile and if you know me really well, you can probably see my eyes glaze over with lust… dead serious tho.. i dont think anyone has ever made my eyes just pop out like that.. (wait.. close second has to be Sam.. not meaning to be disloyal to D.. but Sam really is right up there with the hottest guys ive ever hooked up with)

we havent done the deed, which in itself is a beautiful thing.. im really proud of that actually..

so ive joined the bandwagon. its sufficient to say that australia has gone football mad (and by football i mean soccer). hell even mum and dad are watching!

i wouldnt really say that were a very patriotic country (no where as near as the americans) but in this case.. well.. its the talk of the country!

ive been keeping germany hours… the last socceroo game vs croatia was aired on aus tv at 5am.. i stayed up for that.. but thats nothing compared to the hardcore fanatics who actually went out to watch the game in public venues.. i bet they wouldnt even be keen to get up at 4am to go to work, but hell its the socceroos!

do i think they'll win against italy on tuesday?? i hope so..

hope.. that kinda sums it all up. 

after 2 years of giving me advice about K he finally came up with something profound…

"were here only once.. and what is the point of spending the majority of your time stressing when you could be having fun? you only get what you put up with."

but thats not it he compared my relationship to a rotting apple.. but ive thought about it and found that comparing it to a plant works a lot better….

relationships or love is like a plant..

it starts off as a seed that grows, if you nurture it and take care of it, it will grow and flourish.. neglect it and it will start to die..

i put it in the freezer for a while.. then i decided to regrow my plant, so i took it out and tried to plant it again.. but its not going to grow like that again.. it will still be a dying plant..

i dont want to be the one who always tries to make it work.. i know in his own way he does too but i know hell always take the easy way out and hang up on me..

it hurts that i dont get the benefit of the doubt of being a decent human being.. hurts that instead of comfort when i cry i get more abuse..

i miss him terribly but it seems like every time we see each other or we talk to one another its like playing a game of russian roulette.. i never know if im going to get blown apart..

i cant live like that..

being back at mum and dads im so much more relaxed.. im lonely but im happy.. but more importantly im sane..

a: remember when you did that and this.. and you were so sweet. 

k: yeh cos i thought you were great!

a: i still am!

its occurred to me that hes lost sight of who i am, if he ever really knew.

im the kind of person who make friends easily. inspire loyalty and will be loyal.

the kind of person who wont hesitate to make a fool of of themselves in order to make someone smile.

the kind of person who always have time to listen to anyone.

…. but cross me and ill write you off..

i guess he sees me in another light because i am always wanting to talk about our many issues… it doesnt mean im not nice.. even then i am still the nicest person i can be for him.. it just hurts that he cant see that..

ive thought about it and i do still love kieran but how can i have a major crush on someone if i was still fully kierans?

bec and i went out for lunch today and she told me that mark (one of their other friends) told giovanni (bec’s fiance) that sam said “wow” the moment he saw me.. i am so flattered..

i cant stop thinking about him.. mainly trying to remember what he looks like.. i wonder if hes thought about me too during the week.. but i doubt it..

hes the kind of guy who could get any girl he wants..

so yeh.. unbelievable..

but at the end of the day.. i love kieran and i know that he and i have more and im not going to throw that away..

i guess its just nice to be noticed

see Bec lives near K's brother's house so it was only a natural conclusion that i go there for a smoke before i go to Bec's… anyway I came to some information about K that didnt quite add-up so I confronted him about it, afterwards he asked me why I asking his brother about things and told him that i was at his brother's house before i go to Bec's…. he said goodbye and hung up, i called him again and he told me not to call him at that number anymore… i dont know what i did wrong and told him so.. before Bec, G and i left her house i got a msg from him saying "its cool, have fun, talk to you later and i love you"… (am i the only here not getting it still???)

he threw me out of his house, last time i tried to talk to him he hung up on me, and then again last night.. he doesnt want to see me or talk to me, he doesnt msg me. i dont see why i should be the one chasing after him..

anyway… we finally head out..im pumped and so excited, but at the same time really nervous as theres gonna be a lot of people there and i would only know Bec and G.. but since Bec did my make up (since Im so hopelss with that sort of thing) i felt a bit happier and confident..

everyone was really nice. i finally met Bec's friends and they are just the nicest people.

[ BIT OF BACKGROUND]

a few months ago before K and i got back together and i was still with St, Bec and i were having domestics with our partners and proceeded to get utterly sloshed, she showed me photos of her and her friends and straight away I noticed this guy .. who wouldnt hes easily one of the best looking guys Ive ever laid eyes on.. and I asked her who it was..

[/ BIT OF BACKGROUND]

anyway he was there.. even better looking in real life.. i wasnt the only one who noticed, there were a couple of girls who already liked him.. but just going through that whole shit with K earlier on i just so didnt feel like men, so i spent the night chatting and drinking with the girls..

the restaurant closed and we decided to go across the road to the pub and have a few more drinks.. he came with us.. i spent more time talking to everyone and watching the footy as it was on fox… as the night ended and we were on our way home; Bec & G at the front and he and I at the back, hes reached over and held my hand…

UNBELIEVABLE…

here I am at an all time low, not thinking about guys for a change, soo content to hang out with my best friend and theres this gorgeous guy trying to make a pass at me..

even G said to me when, S complained that all hes getting from the back is rejection.. "you know there were heaps of girls interested in this guy tonight?"… yes I know…

LOL.. yeh I know I, still smiling about the whole thing.. Im putting it down to him being drunk, but G said that S wasnt drunk.. he was cheeky and so sweet.. he kept trying to hold my hand saying I'll warm them up..

i havent spoken to K.. before he sent me that sms, i just felt like "Fuck it.."

right now? Im just content I doubt Id ever see S again or that hes even genuinely interested, even though Bec told me that in the 3 years shes known him shes never seen him act like that with anyone so… *shrug*

if anything i was so flattered.i didnt end up getting home until 4.. so it was a good night

im clutching at straws.. trying not to think about him.. trying to push the particulars aside..

i feel so raw.. i still cant think about things without breaking down.. i spoke to the girls at work and i barely managed to hold on then.. i had an appointment with rita yesterday morning but after 3-4 hours sleep, the dog barking first thing in the morning and knowing that i need to talk about them but just cant.. i didnt end up going.. i slept it off..

ive been thinking about sending him a letter.. but i doubt id ever send any of the ones ive written so far.

i finally got in touch with him on wednesday night and wanted to talk, he ofcourse didnt want to, he never wants to . he told me he had a headache and he couldnt deal, to be honest i couldnt really remember much of what id said, it was mainly him going off at me, the last thing i do remember saying was "when im done talking im done talking" he replied with "good. stop." and he hung up.

its right there… when im done talking im done.. he knows from experience that once im done trying to sort things out thats it and i wont talk to him at all.. and he threw that..

hes thrown it all away.. again..

going to silent mode is mine… steering away from the thing that bothers me the most and trying to forget.. after all ive tried to deal with it for so long i really am just tired of – trying being heard, banging my head on the wall (insert familiar cliche here __________)

it feels like ill never be warm again. no matter if im sitting in front of the heater or if its nice and sunny like today, i have this permanent chill in my body.

i have my friends  and family, and theyre all concerned. i can see it in their eyes and it hurts. it hurts that im so weak where K’s concerned that i just fold. hurts knowing that not only am i putting myself through this but also those who love and care for me.

my belief that trust is everything has been etched into stone.. i cant see myself in any relationship without trust..

trust that he will be understanding and not put me down.

trust that i can seek support and love from him without it being used against me later on.

trust that he can stand by his promises.

trust that we both stand alongside each other, equally comitted.

i dont have that and i know that i simply cant do it anymore.

its been 2 days since i last spoke to him… he said to call him after work on sunday night, but i didnt.. i havent replied to his messages or called him.. he just makes me sick..

maybe later ill go into particulars but not now… right now im filled with a myriad of emotions and i just cant deal with all of them..

i do want to say thanks for all the support my friends and family continue to give.. i just wouldnt know what to do without any of them.