moving on

i cant believe im doing this again.. i honestly dont.. i thought this time around he knew what love and commitment really meant.. but he doesnt..

im clutching at straws.. trying not to think about him.. trying to push the particulars aside..

i feel so raw.. i still cant think about things without breaking down.. i spoke to the girls at work and i barely managed to hold on then.. i had an appointment with rita yesterday morning but after 3-4 hours sleep, the dog barking first thing in the morning and knowing that i need to talk about them but just cant.. i didnt end up going.. i slept it off..

ive been thinking about sending him a letter.. but i doubt id ever send any of the ones ive written so far.

i finally got in touch with him on wednesday night and wanted to talk, he ofcourse didnt want to, he never wants to . he told me he had a headache and he couldnt deal, to be honest i couldnt really remember much of what id said, it was mainly him going off at me, the last thing i do remember saying was "when im done talking im done talking" he replied with "good. stop." and he hung up.

its right there… when im done talking im done.. he knows from experience that once im done trying to sort things out thats it and i wont talk to him at all.. and he threw that..

hes thrown it all away.. again..