the cave

everyone should have a protective mechanism.

going to silent mode is mine… steering away from the thing that bothers me the most and trying to forget.. after all ive tried to deal with it for so long i really am just tired of – trying being heard, banging my head on the wall (insert familiar cliche here __________)

it feels like ill never be warm again. no matter if im sitting in front of the heater or if its nice and sunny like today, i have this permanent chill in my body.

i have my friends  and family, and theyre all concerned. i can see it in their eyes and it hurts. it hurts that im so weak where K’s concerned that i just fold. hurts knowing that not only am i putting myself through this but also those who love and care for me.

my belief that trust is everything has been etched into stone.. i cant see myself in any relationship without trust..

trust that he will be understanding and not put me down.

trust that i can seek support and love from him without it being used against me later on.

trust that he can stand by his promises.

trust that we both stand alongside each other, equally comitted.

i dont have that and i know that i simply cant do it anymore.

its been 2 days since i last spoke to him… he said to call him after work on sunday night, but i didnt.. i havent replied to his messages or called him.. he just makes me sick..

maybe later ill go into particulars but not now… right now im filled with a myriad of emotions and i just cant deal with all of them..

i do want to say thanks for all the support my friends and family continue to give.. i just wouldnt know what to do without any of them.